All the Dust that Falls: A Roomba Isekai Adventure

Daedalus nestled into the impressive pile of coins at the center of his lair. The comforting weight of the cold, soft coins made him feel better most days. But today, it wasn't working.

The dragon huffed. Cragheart would never have bested him if he had been playing fair. Stashing rocks at the center of your hoard to make it look bigger was simply not right. Why, it went against the whole principle of the thing! It was a mantra that Daedalus had repeated to himself often in the last century.

Even though he was sure that his hoard was larger and worth more, it didn't stop Daedalus from picturing the heaping mounds it could be. If only he, too, cheated a tiny bit.

Sighing, he considered whether it was worth making his way out of the mountain heart to find more gold. It had been slim pickings for the last few millennia. Not even the dwarves had managed to mine more of the precious metals for him to steal. Not since the demons had invaded.

The situation was truly a trying one. Evangelina had nearly gone crazy and tried to mine gold herself. It took the intervention of the council to stop her from further damaging the pride of all dragons in her desperation. A dragon digging in the earth? What an embarrassment. When he had carved out the tunnels and caves from his own lair in the mountain, he had used magic to control the magma tubes, as was proper. Even if the walls themselves glittered with precious gems and ores, he wasn't going to sully his claws digging into them directly. That was what the lesser races were for.

***

A beep pulled Daedalus from his reminiscing. He blinked down at his newest friend. The little godling flashed some images above his little disc.

Humming, Daedalus shifted slightly, letting the rock in the back of his cave scratch an itch. "You could use magma to sterilize floors, I suppose. But it sounds like far more effort than it'ss worth. Now, where was I…?"

Daedalus debated internally about what to do. Should he go see if the demons had made progress in having their slaves mine gold? Yet as he thought, echoes of footsteps reached his ears. They were too heavy to be an elf and too slow to be a dwarf. A human, then? Why had a human come to deliver himself as a snack? They usually had the brains to at least come in large groups, if they came at all.

As the lone human rounded the bend, Daedalus closed his eyes and feigned sleep. The surprise and fear when the little thieves found out the dragon they were sneaking by were awake the whole time was his favorite part. When he was young, he realized that even the elves couldn't tell if he was truly sleeping. Now, he almost always pretended to be asleep when he had guests.

A faint smell of iron and rust wrinkled his nose as the human approached. The human appeared already hurt, which would ruin his fun. Besides, blood loss always made his snacks taste worse.

When the human stopped several wingspans away, Daedalus considered pouncing now before the snack lost even more blood. Before he could, the thing spoke. "Hello! Dragon, are you alive?"

What kind of question was that? This human had to be insane. Or maybe he knew that if Daedalus was alive, he would be eaten anyway and just wanted to get it over with? Stifling a sigh, Daedalus didn't respond, waiting to see if the human would start trying to take his gold.

"Excuse me?" The human called again, more loudly. "I'm Archibald. I'm looking for Daedalus, is that you?"

The human was looking for him? That was new. Rearing up, Daedalus fixed the intruder with his Dragon's Penetrating Gaze Of Fear. It was one of his favorite skills, and freezing his captive audience was always satisfying.

"WHO CALLS FOR ME?" Daedalus's roar echoed through the tunnel network. The wind of his shout ruffled the human's long blond hair. As he waited for a response, Daedalus evaluated the human. It appeared to be a scrawny male. Shoulder-length brown hair waved, framing an altogether forgettable face. One hand was clasped to his side, and blood welled between his fingers. The whiff that Daedalus caught made him wrinkle his nose again. Blood really was disgusting.

"Yes, Spot, humans do taste good, but blood is disgusting. No, it's not because it's liquid. Casks of ale are liquid but also delicious. I think it's the red color, perhaps. I'm not a huge fan of wine either, but the sight of that doesn't make me feel dizzy the same way. Oh, I agree wine is the worst. Now, I was waiting for Archibald to answer…"

The man worked his jaw as if he had something wedged in his teeth. He held up a hand to Deadaus and spoke, nearly shouting now. "Wait a second before you say something else, sorry! I think my eardrums burst and I can't hear anything right now!"

The audacity of this human! How dare he not hear a dragon's mighty words? The man had to be properly cowed by his might and power! Daedalus waited indignantly as Archibald unstopped his ears.

"Are you good now?" Daedalus growled at the insignificant human.

"I was." He winced, giving me a dirty look as he worked his finger in one ear.

"Come on, I was way quieter that time. Are humans really so fragile that I could have incapacitated them just by talking?" Daedalus kept his voice nearly to a whisper. It didn't have quite the same effect, but he would put as much regal authority into it as he could muster.

"Okay, that's better," Archibald said after some time. Daedalus hesitated to say anything more. Should he just eat this upstart human? Walking into a dragon's lair and calling out to its owner was surely a crime. Only curiosity about his purpose kept Archibald from being the latest snack.

"Why has such a bloody meal delivered himself to me?" Daedalus asked in his most considerate yet powerful whisper. The hair on the human only slightly moved this time.

"So you are Daedalus, then?" The human asked, seemingly without fear. He continued on before Daedalus could answer. "I thought you would like to know that a demon army is marching on this mountain as we speak."

Daedalus frowned, and finally, Archibald showed some reaction to the many teeth in the dragon's maw. Demons had known better than to bother the dragons for a long time; why were they bothering him now? "Why should I care, human?"

The human in question blinked. "Uh, Aren't dragons territorial? I didn't think you would like an army coming at you. It seems disrespectful."

Dang it. The human was right. It was disrespectful. Daedalus decided he would have to do something about this. Grumbling to himself, Daedalus got to his feet. "I will burn you to a crisp if you touch anything, human. Stay here so I can eat you later."

Archibald swallowed and nodded. With confirmation that his hoard was safe, Daedalus lumbered through the tunnel that led out. When he reached the surface, a few beats of his wings sent him soaring into the sky. Below, he found that the human didn't lie.

There was a small gathering of familiar mud huts at the base of the mountain. Before, it was a vast sea of demons and their slaves. Had the humans been trying to protect the huts? If so, coming to him was stupid. Those ugly things were as much of an insult as the demons were. With a deep inhale, he blasted the mud with a jet of flame, baking it. Continuing his flight, Daedalus billowed fire into the demonic army and watched in satisfaction as they scattered before him.

A few more passes, and he could go back and eat his snack. Then, he could take a well-deserved nap. As he wheeled around in the air to break the rest of the formation, Daedalus saw not all were running in fear. A lone demon that stood twice the height of a human stood in his path, shield held high. Large black horns swept back from its head, ending in deadly points.

Not in a million years would Daedalus back down from such a challenge. He braked in the air and let a concentrated stream of dragon's breath pour onto the shield. As the edges of it started to melt, Daedalus felt a pang of concern. This was taking a lot more effort than he had wanted to put out.

With a crash, Daedalus landed, snapping his tail and wings forward to knock everything away. The demon tossed his ruined shield aside and shouted up at the majestic dragon. "You do not keep me from my prey, lizard!"

Snapping his jaws forward, Daedalus ate the top half of the demon. The thing's flesh was bitter and ashy; only his pride stopped him from spitting it out right away. The demon was remarkably stupid if he thought he could speak to a dragon in such a manner. He was much too weak for that.

Beating his wings, Daedalus took back to the sky. The army retreating below him had already taken too much of his time, so he winged his way back to the mountain. Inside his treasury, he found Archibald remarkably waiting for him. Eyeing the man up and down, Daedalus made a decision. "A smart man would have left when he had the chance. At least you didn't disturb my gold."

The human looked around. "I suppose I could have left." He rubbed the back of his head. "I didn't think of that. Whoops. Are the demons gone?"

"Yes, they were most disrespectful." Daedalus said. "For the warning, I will offer you one boon. Choose wisely, this is not an honor many humans have ever received."

"A boon?"

"Yes, a boon. Don't push it too much. I will eat you before I part with my hoard." Daedalus was already regretting his offer. It was what his pride demanded of him, but he could already tell that it was going to be a pain to deal with. The human would probably ask for something incredibly dumb. Blood was still running down the human's side, and it was making it hard to concentrate as the room began to swim.

Turning his head aside, Daedalus dug through his hoard as the human considered. He came out holding a delicate necklace with a brilliant green gem grasped gently in his lips. Whipping it around, the gem smacked into the human's head and faded slightly.

"Oww!" Archibald yelled as he grasped the side of his head and glared up at the dragon. Daedalus didn't pay it any mind as his nose picked up the lack of fresh blood, and the cave around him stopped spinning.

The human looked down at his side and frowned. Poking at it with his bloody hand, he looked confused.

"You are trying my patience. Tell me what you would ask." Archibald winced and covered his ears again. Daedalus didn't really feel bad about not modulating his volume this time. Maybe it would get this annoyance out of his lair sooner.

"I want help fighting the demons," The human said.

"I already did that." The dragon answered.

"I want more help fighting the demons." The human clarified.

"I– fine." Daedalus agreed with a sigh. At least the human didn't ask for a certain amount of help; he could just do something small, and it would be done.

"Yeah, the demon army was just the start of it. Spot, I think it's your turn. Ah, good move. Hmmm. Let's see how you deal with that! Well of course I wasn't going to carry the human to our destination, that would be beneath me. So I had to figure out alternate transportation."

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