I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

Chapter 5: My Dearest Hao Wu Yi Part 7-12

007

Since Guan Chao grew up together with me, he does not have an appreciation of gender differences. Once, Mr. F, Hao Wu Yi, Guan Chao and I were strolling home together. Mr. F and I were way ahead, Guan Chao hovered in the middle whilst Hao Wu Yi lingered behind. All of a sudden Hao Wu Yi stopped and hollered for me.

“Joey, did you bring that thing?”

“What?”

She mouthed something at me.

I was befuddled.

Guan Chao said, “Sanitary pad.”

“What?” I didn’t manage to catch what Guan Chao was saying.

“Hao Wu Yi is asking, whether you have any sanitary pads on you! Her period is here!” Guan Chao’s voice rang out brightly.

Hao Wu Yi froze instantly. Even the ten-thousand-years-iceberg-face Mr. F blushed…

008

Hao Wu Yi had a childhood sweetheart. As he was four years older than her, he was studying in university when we were in high school. Their parents were very close, sometimes even directly referring to each other as in-laws. Because she was frequently spoilt by her boyfriend, Hao Wu Yi had always been a carefree and joyful girl. However, when we were in Year 1 of high school, her boyfriend suddenly requested to break up.

Hao Wu Yi was devastated, and lost a great amount of weight. After being extremely listless for half a month, she called me one night, saying that she was determined to have a proper talk with her ex-boyfriend the next day. Finally, she asked me secretively, “Do you know how to apply makeup?”

Of course I didn’t know how to, and asked her why she wanted to apply makeup.

She replied, “Because I want to appear in front of him looking my best.”

As a result, the next day Hao Wu Yi stole her mum’s makeup pouch and came to my house. After spending an entire afternoon experimenting with the makeup set, we finally managed to apply some make up on Hao Wu Yi which we personally thought was extremely beautiful but was extremely ugly in actuality. I praised her as being China’s Paris Hilton, whilst she complimented me as being Mainland’s Kuei Lun-Mei. Guan Chao, who was sitting beside us, couldn’t bear to hear more, and commented that the friendship between girls was highly pretentious.

I retorted that he didn’t know anything about female friendships. Why would we need female best friends? It’s only so that we are able to satisfy our own vanity! China’s Paris thus proceeded to negotiate with her ex-boyfriend. Although I’m unclear about what happened, I knew that when the negotiations ended Hao Wu Yi was wailing like a baby, refusing to return home. Thus, her ex-boyfriend had to locate my number from her mobile phone. I dragged Guan Chao along to pick her up.

I still recall that night. It was a dark and windy night and we found Hao Wu Yi by the river. She was crying ferociously, and her hair was in a mess. The makeup on her face had begun to run, causing her face to look like an artist’s palette. According to Guan Chao, he was so frightened that his legs felt like jelly – because he thought that it was a river spirit had emerged.

Subsequently, the ex-boyfriend had an extremely unreasonable request. He said that as long as Hao Wu Yi managed to complete folding 9,999 lucky stars before his birthday as a birthday gift, he would get back together with Hao Wu Yi.

However, it was less than a week to the ex-boyfriend’s birthday! Hao Wu Yi was focused on folding stars every single day, and I helped her as well. When the girls in our class found out about this project, they pitched in their efforts and helped to fold paper stars as well – somehow, before we knew it, the entire class was helping to fold paper stars! Those who were terribly clumsy and unable to fold (like our Mr. F) helped by counting the lucky stars, and reported our progress to us regularly.

That week was amazing – every single time the bell rang, signalling the end of class, our entire class went silent. Nobody went out to play. Everybody buried their heads, trying their damndest to fold lucky stars. Everyone was strangely touched by the unity that we displayed, and focused on the single-minded goal of helping Hao Wu Yi. We were like soldiers, ready and awaiting for battle.

Even now, whenever I recall this scenario, a cold shiver would run down my spine. A classroom that is deathly silent, with everyone lowering their heads and muttering under their breaths – those who didn’t know better would have thought that our class was holding some kind of mass ritual.

Finally, right before the ex-boyfriend’s birthday, we managed to gather 9,999 lucky stars. Hao Wu Yi bought a gigantic flower vase to store them. That day, after school ended, everybody stayed behind whilst the flower vase made its rounds around the class, allowing everybody to put their lucky stars into it. When the vase reached Hao Wu Yi, it was filled to the brim with lucky stars.

Hao Wu Yi brought this vase and went to meet her ex-boyfriend. Her ex-boyfriend was extremely shocked – initially, when he first made this request, he simply wanted her to recognize the impossibility of them getting back together, and he never thought that she would manage to fulfil his request. Ultimately, however, the both of them still broke up. Nevertheless, Hao Wu Yi commented that strangely, she never felt even the tiniest bit of sadness whilst she was carrying the vase of lucky stars home.

Subsequently, when we were in Year 3 of high school, there was a senior who had contracted leukaemia. The principal rallied the entire school to conduct fundraisers, with the proceeds being donated to that senior. We suggested selling that vase of lucky stars. On the day of the fundraiser, our entire class, along with Hao Wu Yi, lugged the vase of lucky stars to the sports field, receiving innumerable stares along the way.

In the end, our form teacher purchased the vase of lucky stars and placed it in his office. This year, when our classmates went back to visit him, they reported that to their surprise, the vase of lucky stars was still there! Now that I think about it, that year when our entire class was focused on folding the lucky stars, we garnered a great deal of attention, with random people flocking to our class to view our star-folding exercise. Surprisingly, our form teacher who was renowned for his strict nature had turned a blind eye to our project – perhaps he too, was touched by our unity. At that time, the youthful us were filed with innocence and enthusiasm, we were rebellious but kind. That, was the best side of us.

009

One day, I was drinking with Hao Wu Yi. Although classmate Hao Wu Yi has been to countless of blind dates, she hasn’t been able to settle down with anyone. When I asked her for the reason why, she replied, “I have psychological barriers.”

Me: “Ah?! What barriers?”

Hao Wu Yi: “Managing to like somebody always requires a certain amount of time, and it is always during this timeframe that I discover that the other party is a retard.”

Me: “HAHAHAHA, I’m the exact opposite of you! The only reason why I married Mr. F at the speed of light was because I was afraid that he would discover that I was a retard.”

Mr. F, who had been sitting next to me and listening to our conversation this entire time, finally spoke up, “No wonder I always felt that something was off, I’ve been had…”

010

Hao Wu Yi is presently working at a publishing company. One day, I accompanied her to the bookstore to conduct some surveys. When we saw Lee An’s books, Hao Wu Yi started reflecting, “How I wish I was working on a book written by a famous author – I wouldn’t even have to provide a summary of the plot; simply putting the author’s name would ensure great sales.”

I replied, “That’s true, if you’re working on Zhang Yi Mou’s books you would also achieve the same effect.”

“In the whole of China, innumerable people hope to be the editor of Zhang Yi Mou’s books, so I’d never get the chance. Rather, I feel that both you and Mr. F have hidden potential, so in the future when you two become famous, remember to let me be the editor of your autobiographies.”

“I’m terribly unambitious, so don’t count on me.”

“Of course I’m not counting on you – all we need is for Mr. F to become famous! At that time, your book would be known as The First Autobiography of The First Wife of Successful Entrepreneur Mr.F!”

“Wait, why would I be known as his first wife? Would he have a second wife?”

“That’s hard to say, when one earns great amounts of money, one would be faced with innumerable temptations. I intend to help his first, second, third and fourth wives publish biographies, thus forming a series. It’ll definitely sell well!”

“Goodbye, I intend to break off our friendship from here on out.”

011

I texted Hao Wu Yi over WeChat, and we agreed to watch Chang Chen’s new movie during the upcoming weekend.

Hao Wu Yi: “How can this man be so timelessly handsome!”

Me: “The male god lives forever, Chang Chen exists eternally.”

Hao Wu Yi: “When I finally strike it big, the first thing I’m going to do is to be his sugar momma.”

Me: “Wouldn’t it require a lot of money to be his sugar momma?”

Hao Wu Yi: “Even if I can’t be his sugar momma, I can surely have a one-night-stand with him at the very least!”

Me: “Then we have to work harder and earn more money.”

Mr. F, who had been silently listening to us all this while, finally opened his mouth, “By the time you guys earn enough money, Chang Chen would already be infertile.”

012

When Mr. F and I decided to marry, everybody wished me a blissful and long marriage. Only Hao Wu Yi held my hands tightly and told me seriously, “My dear, I will always support you no matter what you do. Even if you intend on escaping from the wedding, I’ll buy you sports shoes.”

Mr. F glared at her innumerable times.

She is my classmate, my best friend, my bridesmaid, and the future godmother of my children. When we are both eighty years old, we would be companions in the nursing home, sitting side by side on our wheelchairs whilst admiring at the handsome hunks in the distance. She is my dearest, dearest, Hao Wu Yi.

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