I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

Chapter 9: Illegal Cohabitation Part 1-8

001

Even though both Mr. F and I had been friends for a very long time, we haven’t really interacted with each other as a couple. Thus, it was only after we ascertained our relationship that we discovered all sorts of problems. For instance, I found out that this fellow is extremely controlling.

I have a habit – when I’m entering a restaurant with other people, I have a tendency to be the first one to open the door, so that I’m able to hold the door open for subsequent people entering the restaurant.

When I went on dates with him, I helped him keep the door open several times. This caused his to be rather unhappy, “You should let men handle these types of things!”

Alright, you handle it.

As I have a very keen sense of time, I’d always arrive twenty minutes earlier than the scheduled time for all our dates.

He became unhappy once more, “You could always arrive slightly later, I don’t mind waiting for you.”

Alright, I guess I’d have to dawdle at home and waste time before arriving precisely ten minutes later than the scheduled time.

When we went out on dates, he always paid for all our expenses. As I felt bad for him, I always offered to pay for my share. However, he always refused to let me pay. Once, I took the opportunity to settle the bill when he went to the washroom. When he returned to the table, he was so mad that his face nearly turned green.

I bought two bottles of mineral water, and was about to open them before I noticed the slight furrow in his brows. Without second thought, I immediately started to pretend that I was extremely weak, and complained, “I can’t open it.”

He took the bottles from me and opened them without much effort. He put the straws into the bottles before passing them back to me, and conveniently patted my head. He appeared to be in a terribly good mood.

Sometimes, men can be really, really childish.

002

My senior from High School told me that she had just moved to Beijing, and that she was experiencing great difficulty adjusting to the new environment.

“When I arranged to have dinner with my friend at 5:30PM, my friend came to pick me up at 3PM. Initially, I was really confused – why did we have to leave so early? It was only later that I understood why. First, we hopped onto the bus, which slowly chugged past a few bridges before slowly driving past a few rivers. Just when I suspected that the bus was going to drive all the way to Tianjin, my friend finally indicated that we had arrived at our stop, and we alighted. After alighting, my friend told me that we still had to take the train and transfer twice before we reach our final destination. At that time, I experienced a meltdown and started crying by the roadside. I complained whilst crying, lamenting Beijing’s bloody huge size.”

I didn’t take her very seriously, and simply laughed aloud at the ludicrous nature of the situation.

It was only subsequently when I moved to Beijing that I realized that her tale was really true; it wasn’t exaggerated at all, not even the slightest bit.

The first year, he stayed in the Haidian District whilst I stayed in Zhaoyang District. When we wanted to meet, we had to undertake a two-hour bus journey.

“Why do I feel as though we’re in a long-distance relationship?”

He nodded in agreement, “I feel the same way.”

Before long, he bought a car.

“Why did you waste money purchasing a car?”

“I’m afraid that it would be too hard on you.”

I was extremely touched.

However, we soon discovered that during peak hours, Beijing was like an overcooked porridge – the cars that were on the road were unable to move even a single inch.

He was supposed to pick me up for dinner after work; however, he was nowhere to be seen. After some time, I called him “Where are you?”

“I’m in a jam – I’m currently at New Street Road.”

An hour later, I called him once more, “Where are you now?”

“Still at New Street Road.”

After another hour had passed, “Where now?”

“New Street Road.”

“……”

After the had sun set and the moon hung in the middle of the sky, he called, “I’m at Gui Street, but it’s still congested. Why don’t you take the train over, we can have supper……”

— We should have simply taken the train from the start!

003

After we got together, Mr. F’s life had only two major things left for him to complete – earn money, and persuade me to move in with him.

“Why don’t you move in with me? We can stay together.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Alternatively, I could move into your apartment.”

“I don’t want that either.”

“Give me a reason why.”

“My mum wouldn’t allow it.”

“Your mum has already agreed.”

“When did this happen?”

“During Mid-Autumn Festival, I sent her some mooncakes – along with a request asking for her consent in relation to our cohabitation. She said that she had no issues with us cohabiting as long as you were willing to.”

“Wait a minute, you sent mooncakes to my mum? Why do I have absolutely no clue that you did that?”

“There are many other things you are clueless about. Don’t change the subject, are you going to move in or not?”

“I’m not moving in, I’m not used to staying with another person.”

“You’re going have to move in sooner or later anyway, so you might as well start getting used to it now.”

“You’re so annoying, I said I won’t move, and that’s that.” After numerous attempts, he finally stopped trying to persuade me, so I naturally thought that he had given up on the idea. Thus, I was extremely surprised when one fine day, he abruptly gave me a stack of documents.

“What’s this?”

“A feasibility report.”

Yes, the reason why he stopped trying to persuade me for a period of time was because he needed time to gather information and other data. In order to persuade me to agree to cohabitation, he even analyzed the pros and cons from various viewpoints and came up with a comprehensive report on how we could implement our cohabitation plan. The report even contained various case references, an interior map of the apartment, and a mekko chart…

“What if… What if I’m still unwilling to move in?”

“I’ll do up a PPT then.”

That’s enough of your nonsense!

004

In the end, he managed to succeed in persuading me to move in.

“This is the result of my perseverance and hard work.”

Looking at the smug expression on his face, I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the real reason why I agreed was because after I switched companies, my new company is only a mere 15 minute distance away from his apartment. After various calculations, I realized that this meant that I could sleep in for an additional hour every day.

I immediately decided to move into his apartment!

005

Staying together meant that, with our numerous individual lifestyle habits, we had to learn how to slowly accommodate each other.

The very first difficulty we encountered was: In order to sleep, he had to have a nightlight on, whereas I could only sleep in total darkness – even the slightest bit of light could keep me awake.

In order to accommodate me, he took the initiative to off the lights.

As he kept tossing and turning the entire night, I crawled out of bed and turned on the light.

As a result, I became the one who was unable to drift off into sleep.

It hurt him to see me tossing and turning; thus, he decided to grab the blanket and sleep on the sofa outside.

During that period of time, both of us suffered from a lack of sleep and exhaustion. However, there was nothing either of us could do as habits could not be changed within one or two days.

Before long, the Qixi Festival (Chinese Valentine’s Day) nearing. It was the first Qixi Festival we were spending together; thus, I was terribly excited and kept trying to ask in a roundabout manner what gift I would be receiving from him.

“It’s something you really, really need.” He said.

After longing for the moon and the stars, the Qixi Festival finally arrived. On the day of the Qixi Festival, he handed me a box which I opened with great care. The moment I saw the contents of the box, I felt as though a crow flew over my head.

This was our first Qixi Festival!!

And yet, the present this fellow bought for me was – a sleeping mask!!!!

“With this, both of us would be able to sleep in peace.”

……

Ah, I feel like giving him a good beating – and nobody’s allowed to stop me.

006

It was another Qixi Festival.

Most unfortunately, during that period of time, both of us were extremely busy with work. The moment the weekend arrived, both of us grabbed our laptops and started working overtime. When the sun started to set, I stood up and started stretching my stiff body. Only then did I suddenly realize – today is the Qixi Festival!

I ran to him and asked for my present. He stared at me blankly before saying in an innocent tone, “I forgot. Why didn’t you remind me?”

I was so angry I wanted to scratch the walls, “Damn it, I forgot too!”

007

Mr. F said that I had terrible sleeping habits – I frequently snatched the blanket from him, and even liked to place my foot on his stomach, causing him to suffer from insomnia the entire night.

I said, “If I do that in the future, just shake me awake.”

When I said the above sentence, I was simply being courteous. Who would have known that this fellow would really shake me awake in the middle of the night.

“Just take a look for yourself how much space you are dominating.”

I glanced at my surroundings and found nothing to refute his claims. Indeed, my spread-eagle posture took up two-thirds of the bed.

I apologized to him sincerely before returning to my sleep.

Before long, I woke up as I was feeling too hot. When I woke up, I discovered that whilst I was snuggled tightly n the blanket, a certain person was pitifully curled up on his side of the bed.

I carefully placed the blanket on him in an attempt to hide my nefarious actions. However, he instantly woke up when I touched him. Without second thought, I launched into a pitiful act, “Dear hubby, I had a nightmare. In the nightmare, the boat I was on capsized and I fell into the ocean, so I felt extremely, extremely cold.”

He replied, “Yes, I’m extremely cold too.”

Me: “Wow! We can truly read each other’s minds! Hahahahahaha.”

Him: “I’m cold because I have no blanket to cover me, but you’re probably cold because you feel guilty.”

“……”

008

After being with Mr. F for a long time, I realized that Mr. F had various compulsive disorders.

The dollar notes in his wallet are all arranged in accordance with the value of the notes, and they must all be arranged face-front; his items must be placed in their fixed positions – the wallet and the keys must be placed at the entrance hall, the remote controls must be placed in the left drawer of the tea table, and the iPad must be placed on the television cabinet;

All our everyday objects must be purchased from a single, fixed brand;

All vertical objects must be arranged parallel to the sides of the table;

The clothes in the closet must be arranged in accordance to their thickness as well as their colour tone;

He even arranged all my make-up and skin care products according to their height and their width, with all the dispensers faced in a single direction.

“Are they undergoing military training?” I asked him.

“Don’t you feel more comfortable when you look at them now?”

“I’m going to ask you a question, and you must answer me honestly.”

“What?”

“Is your horoscope really not Virgo?”

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