I'm a Walking Disaster With My Unwanted Virginity

"What! Died!?"

"Calm down." Elsa put both her hands on my shoulder. 

Calm down? How could I? All this time I'd been told that gramps was missing and now all of a sudden they claim that he's dead. How the hell could I have calmed down?

"He took in too much radiation. And because he was so strong, did he survive for so long. If it were anyone else in the world, he'd have died right that moment. But your grandfather survived for two whole years for your sake. To teach you more and he did: he taught you how to use a sword, he taught you how to use your powers, and he taught you how to live. But he requested that your memories of him be sealed, so you don't feel bad. It was all for you." Word's left mom's throat more fluently than even when she was sober. 

I always felt like something was missing. But this. "It was my fault." My voice didn't shake. My vision didn't blur. I was calm. I was too calm. 'All of this, my fault? Everything? Gramps died because of me?'

"It wasn't your fault." Mom wrapped her arms around me, hugging me.

"…"

"It wasn't your fault, son." The man stood up, debated something, and then finally he also wrapped his hand around the both of us. "It wasn't your fault."

But it wasn't comforting. I didn't know why, but I didn't feel anything but utter grief. 

My heart was calm, my mind was not. 

"I'll be in my room." I stood up. "Leave me alone for now."

No one said anything. 

I didn't want to speak either.

I just wanted to be alone.

***

No one in my family ever faulted me. No one misbehaved and no one blamed me. But they always looked at me as though they had something else to say, but they never said anything.

I didn't know why but I always felt like an outcast even in my own family. It was true that no one treated me unfairly or even differently than the other kids, but, they never came close to me either. Granted, I stayed away from them too, and yet, something was different. Something just wasn't right. 

And now I knew why. 

  "But they could have told me…" I threw the pillow at the desk in front, as two streams leaked.

Covered in tears and snot, I buried my head in my legs. The bed was behind me, I didn't feel like lying down. The floor felt much better. 

'Why did you have to be so selfish gramps…?' I didn't cry but the tears flowed regardless. 

I didn't wail and I didn't make a sound. I just listened to the distant sounds. This city was busy and so were people. Everyone had something to do: everyone had dreams. 

But what about me?

I didn't belong. I didn't want to belong. Thirteen years ago everything happened because of me. If I wasn't kidnapped gramps wouldn't have had to do all that. And I wouldn't have ended up like that. He even took the blame of destroying nations, when clearly it was me. 

But what troubled me the most was that I didn't remember him. I didn't know him. And more importantly, I wasn't as sad as I should have been: I didn't feel the pain of losing someone that important. This was eating me alive. 

"Maybe it would have been better if I wasn't born."

"That's not true you know." Mom came in. "You were my second child. If you died too, I'd have been very sad."

"Second?" I wiped my tears.

"Your big brother died in my womb. So I tried extra hard when I had you. But if you died too, I would have really been sad." Mom sat on the bed, a hand on my shoulder.

"Just how many things are you hiding?"

I didn't look at her.

"I don't know. When you're older you'll understand. Sometimes adults have to do things, things they'll regret for a long time. But you, you're not a regret. You're my precious son." She wrapped her hands around my neck, from behind me. "And your grandfather thought so too. He really treasured you among all his grandkids. And he wanted you to live your dreams. Live the life you want."

I cried silently. I didn't have a response. But I forced myself to come up with one. "I will."

Mom stayed liked that. Her breathing was a bit fast. She was nervous?

"Do you think… I should forgive him?" Her voice was barely a whisper. She was unsure of herself.

Her breath reeked of wine. She probably drank more. And yet, she didn't seem drunk. She was sober: too sober. 

But I understood. "I won't forgive him. But if you will then I'll try to."

Mom smiled and hugged me tighter.

"Mom." I hugged her back. I really wanted someone to listen to all these pent of feelings.

"Oh, so violent." Mom tried to chuckle.

But I just cried, hugging her as tightly as I could. I could tell, she was also in tears, and yet, she just patted my back, silently.

Before long, eventually, I fell asleep in her arms. 

***

I woke up at 5.30.

There wasn't an alarm in my room anymore. And neither was mom. 

I just couldn't sleep anymore.

The birds were up in the distant sky. The sun was still sleeping. 

I was covered by a blanket and from the looks of it, mom had made sure I didn't catch a cold.

I felt groggy but even with the groggy brain, memories just drizzled in. 

No matter what anyone said, 'it was my fault.'

I lied back on the bed. I didn't feel like doing anything. Life just felt… meaningless.

"Oh, you're up." That man entered the room.

I didn't feel like talking with him. Why was he here after all this time?

"Come downstairs, let's have a talk."

I switched my gaze to him. I really didn't want anything to do with him anymore, but my body moved on its own. 

It was almost as if I wanted this. 

Both of us trailed down the stairs one step at a time, neither, looking at each other. 

The house was still in shambles. Furniture here, plates there, debris everywhere.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

I sat on the chair. Yesterday's chairs were still in place.

From the quietness, I could surmise, everyone was asleep. 

"How're you doing Jintel?"

"…" I just glared. Was this guy serious?

He cleared his throat. "Let me clarify. How many seals are broken?"

"Just one."

"I see. That explains your powers to disintegrate."

  "What are the others?"

He sighed. "I'm not sure. Your grandfather was very secretive. And Hyora never told me. But from what I saw, I'd say your powers were stronger than any Kin I ever saw."

"So, this Hyora, Hyora Battlesuin was that girlfriend you left us for?"

He looked at me for a second, a bit dazed. And ultimately chuckled. "I suppose you were quite young at the time, I didn't think you'd remember." He smiled. "Yes." He chuckled to himself. "I heard you fought off Devrok and now you're participating in the newcomer's tournament. I participated too, back in the day. Of course, I won." He tried to make a smug face but all the purple spots on his face didn't allow him to. 

He was in some serious pain.

I frankly didn't care about all that or his achievements for that matter. 

I didn't know what else to talk about. But there was always a question in my mind. "Why did you leave?"

"To-" He paused. "I didn't have a future with you or your mother for that matter."

"I see."

"However, believe me when I say, I've loved you from the moment you were born and I will continue to love you till I give my soul up."

Something about the wording felt off. "What are you talking about?"

He chuckled harder. "Well, I can't wake the others. I'm really glad I got to talk to you before going. Give your mother this letter." He handed a letter to me. 

"You're leaving again."

"You should come to the Battlesuin mansion and have Hyora redo the seal. She'll probably ask for a price to not go to war. I'm sure you can sort it out. And as things are, a full-scale war probably won't be good for either family. " He looked back and smiled again. "Next time you see me, don't hesitate to kill Me." He walked out of the house. 

I didn't have the means or desire to stop him. And I didn't understand what he just said either. I didn't even try to understand. 

I looked at the letter in my hands, a flimsy piece of paper. Where the hell did he even get this?

I didn't know.

Why was he here?

I didn't know.

What should I have done?

I didn't know.

Should I have stopped him?

I didn't know.

I just sat on the chair, looking at the table, doing nothing.

I knew nothing.

***

Around seven mom came down. 

"He left, huh?" She looked normal. But I could tell she wasn't. 

Her hair was a mess and she had dark spots beneath her eyes. 

She was not fine. 

I didn't say a word and just handed the letter over. 

I went out too. Lately, I wasn't doing as much exercise anymore. 

So for once, I just decided to focus on training. 

If my body was weak, then I should have just made it stronger. 

If all of this happened because of me, then, I had to do something about it. I had to live a life, my gramps wanted me to: so that gramps could be proud of me. I didn't have memories about him, but I did have all the knowledge he passed down on me. All this time I thought I got them from books and all that but it was gramps all along. 

I had to become stronger, strong enough so that this never happened again. Strong enough so that no one else ever had to die for my sake. 

I had to, no, I wanted to. I wanted to become stronger and I was going to achieve my goals no matter what. 

This was my goal, and I wasn't going to let anyone stand in my way. 

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