Chapter 87 - The whole points of the nut
Even after cleaning up, Katie was self-conscious about her surprise facial... "You bearded me..."
...
Ben tried to justify it. "The best way to cure a phobia is to ’face’ your fears..."
...
Then, Ben frowned when he realized something, but his expression soon eased. ’Nope, definitely not enough for a gender bender or yaoi tag...so don’t even think about it...Let’s keep the marketing focused; My biography doesn’t need to cater to everyone...’
Katie was still moping. "You made me look like Gandalf the White..."
Ben tried to make her feel better. "It could’ve been worse. If you looked like Gandalf the Grey, I’d have to check my diet..."
Instead of finding it amusing, Katie sulked further...
Seeing that failed, Ben tried reason. "It was unintentional, believe me... How was I supposed to know...you’d fall off a cliff with a Balrog...
Have a skydiving battle ignoring the laws of psychics...
Change your class to magic swordsman...
Then fall through a plot crater and land in a lake of ass-pull-water?"
...
Katie was about to speak, but Ben put his finger on her lips. "I know what you want to say...that there’s a wider universe down there unexplored in the novels because Tolkien died first...but...come...on...
At some point you have to wonder: is it not I, the audience, who’s the real victim here?
...That’s why it’s not my fault."
"I’m going home..." Katie said.
’I’ll still be expecting you to ride in last second to save the day at Helm’s Deep...just try not to have your army hide behind that hill too long for your dramatic entrance...LEST WE ALL DIE!’
Noticing Katie was still pouting, Ben gave it one last try to cheer her up. ’Maybe fantasy isn’t her cup of tea. She might be more of a sci-fi gal.’
He laced his fingers in front of himself. "Katie, look, I’m a man of science. There’s a principle in quantum physics, that particles exist as both waves and particles at the same time which explains what happened to the electrons in my s.p.e.r.m. It’s called wave-particle spewality...
So you see, you were going to get splashed or splotted no matter what... Your mistake was looking at it and making it real..."
...
When Katie started slapping his arm, Ben wondered if she was a creationist...
After talking her down though, they made up. Despite joking around, Ben checked multiple times that she was ok after. He even walked her home, despite every minute being precious to him now, which showed his magnanimity.
’It’s good she lives two blocks away...’ he thought as they traveled.
***
Ben was back in his dorm room, having dropped off Katie, and now sitting on his bed as he opened his system screen. With time running out, the first thing he checked when he returned was his death mission. "Was it enough?"
When he saw it...Ben unleashed an exhausted sigh...There was no change. "So what does it mean by seduce?"
He tried to get clarification, but the system wouldn’t explain any further. He only knew he needed to do more. ’If it requires oral or regular s.e.x, I have a chance...but if this ends up being another parable for true love...I’m going to f*cking die because the sheeple want a Hollywood ending!’
Ben rubbed his temples as he pondered the notion that his execution might result from the same forces that generated Julia Roberts rom-coms.
...
He groaned in frustration. ’Does every romance movie NEED to have a tall rich successful guy falling in love with a 6? ...With such absurd expectations, no wonder it’s so hard for me to close a 7... I mean, I know they’re catering to the fantasies of the median moonhog audience...but what kind of basic turd can only enjoy mindless wish fulfillment?’
Then, he grimaced, because he remembered his web novel reading list.
...
"Sigh...Fine, it is what it jizz... Speaking of which, let’s check what achievements I earned." Ben opened his system notifications.
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Picking Your Brain(uncommon) - Have a woman kiss your testicles]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
"I’ve got lots of ideas..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Courtesy Lick(uncommon) - Have a woman lick your p.e.n.i.s without intentions of proper courtship with it]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
"My penile reputation is always at stake... Yet, despite her questionable intentions, good manners are always appreciated..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Balljob(repeatable, uncommon) - Get a balljob from a new woman to completion]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
"Balljob? ...Never heard of that...I guess this makes me an innovator of sorts." A few seconds later though, he frowned, because after that, he didn’t see an oral s.e.x achievement. To be certain, he went to check his weekly challenge, and as he suspected, it was still uncompleted.
[Weekly Challenge: Smile like a doughnut - Receive oral s.e.x...not from yourself...and from a woman]
After scratching his head...and throwing a few things, Ben could only accept it. "I have to assume it didn’t count it because there wasn’t insertion... Well, nothing I can do about it. Let’s see what else I got."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: C*ckstage Negotiator(uncommon) - Negotiate with a woman to receive a repeatable achievement]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
Ben nodded. "Mark Cuban for the assist." This is why people watched Shark Tank...
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Athenian War Paint(uncommon) - Give a woman a s.p.e.r.m facial...while she’s awake]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
"Jizz...is...ATHENS!" Ben almost fell over from front-kicking empty air...but that also somehow fit the theme...
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Self Inflicted C.u.mshot(uncommon) - Be ejaculated by a woman who hasn’t received the proper training in handling p.e.n.i.ses...resulting in self-casualty]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
Ben snorted. "More leftist liberal hogwash... Anyone with foresight or foreskin knows the statistics show the truth: c.u.m don’t spill on people...people spill on people..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Edward Newgated(fine) - Give a woman a white beard of s.p.e.r.m]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 500]
Ben smiled. "This one gave the most points...only proving once again why Whitebeard was the strongest..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: DNA Eyepatch(uncommon) - Give a woman an eyepatch of s.p.e.r.m
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
Ben shrugged. "You don’t really need depth vision at such dong distance..."
[Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the Achievement: Dropping off the kids(uncommon) - Ejaculate into a woman’s mouth]
[Distributing reward: PUA Points + 200]
’Unfortunately for those kids, Katie the kidnapper has already taken them to a secondary location...’
Ben glanced at his garbage bin where many tissues were stuffed. ’Good luck in your next lives...I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father...’
Finished going over his spoils, Ben took a minute to sit in silence on his bed...
He knew that to an outside observer...his comedic mood might have seemed inappropriate given his circ.u.mstances of impending death. Yet, a sense of humor was the only thing stabilizing his mind. The guillotine was approaching his neck and he could almost see his reflection in it. If he didn’t lighten the situation, he would’ve already gone insane...
Ben exhaled and moved to the next step. With all the achievements, he now had 2450 points. It wasn’t enough for a high level mystery box, but two mid level ones still had some chance of giving him something useful. With time running out, he couldn’t risk trying to save up 5000. He needed to take his chances now.
So, without procrastinating, Ben took out a lucky clove cigarette, and prepared to take what could be the last gamble of his life...
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