Arc 6 – Chapter 61, “――Stand Up”
ーーA choice, that too a cruel one, was eating into Natsuki Subaru.
He heard the sound of something being abandoned and burnt away within the interior of his chest with a sizzling sound, slowly and steadily.
That was his human nature, his emotion of trusting himself, his sentiments for『Natsuki Subaru』, various entities of such kind, were being abandoned and burnt away.
With his hands on the young girl’s throat, whilst being ridiculed by the young girl pushed down, Natsuki Subaru was made to stand in a setting of determining his own destiny,『Natsuki Subaru’s』destiny.
“ーーーー”
Heartbeats, inaudible. Though his breath was rough, his lungs were probably dysfunctional. A situation packed to the hilt to such an extent, yet not a single drop of cold sweat appeared on his forehead.
That was certainly because Natsuki Subaru’s flesh body present here was not a part of reality.
By reading the book, he did not have his entire flesh body transferred, but merely his mind had been hauledーー to make such considerations unfitting the situation, would also only be a deed of evading reality.
And, by firing his considerations over to the other side, trying to secure transient peace was Subaru’s heart.
However, neither time nor space nor his opponent would pardon this escape route of Subaru’s.
Louis: “We~ll, what’ll you do, onii-san.”
The young girl which had been pinned down by him, laughed sadistically and looked up at Subaru, petrified, having lost his way in the choice.
Whilst peeping into Subaru’s dark eyes, the young girl flickered her tongue in order to lick those eyeballs.
Louis: “Pinning down a feeble young girl, and placing your hands on that thin neck. Gets you shivering with thrill, no? Or perhaps instead, if it’s a predisposition like that of onii-san’s?, such experiences become commonplace, is that right?”
Subaru: “ーー~hk.”
Louis: “You’re trembling, so cute. In this shape, can you make such an important, important choice?”
Inclining her neck, Louis, facing upwards, kissed Subaru’s wrist. That shuddering gesture and the ardour pouring from her flirtatious glance, her inhumane words made Subaru recall a certain spectacle.
That was the spectacle of the callousness Subaru had acted upon once. ーーProvided that his way of having observed it was the reverse. Not something Subaru had witnessed from his own perspective, but the field of vision of a young girl who had gotten into a confrontation with Subaru?.
The spectacle of Subaru pinning down, with a wicked look, and strangling the neck.
Exactly the same as the present situation, the spectacle of『Natsuki Subaru』strangling Meili to deathーー.
Subaru: “Ugh.”
ーーThe instant he realised this to be approximate to that spectacle, Subaru’s entire body, cheeks, tightened.
Louis: “ーーSo after all, there really is an occasion which comes your mind?”
Subaru: “Nons ~hk! Nonse……”
Louis: “We’re no~t speaking nonsense, you know. Instead, the one not being serious is onii-san, no? With more seriousness, earnestness, solemnity, you should love yourself.”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “A~h, yes yes. Love yourself. See, love. ーーSimilar to how the people onii-san wants to cherish hope for that, onii-san should also love himself, you know.”
With a superficial verbal tone, and words fitting that description as well, a cosmetic wave of words was formed.
Did she intend to persuade him, or instead, was her faculty of making others sympathise simply dead. Was she aiming or was it simply her nature, was she jeering at him or was she consoling him.
It was vague. Louis Arneb’s way, was vague with regards to everything.
Vague, vague it was.
Louis’ words, her words were unsteady from the foundation, like leaves instably afloat the water’s surface. All of them of arbitrary nature, bent and distorted, if they preferably came to a clear disposition, then this indecision itself would surely be cleared up as well.
No, to consider keeping her words as the premise from the very beginning, just how dangerous would that be.
Subaru: “Do you have the proof…… that everything should be done as you say, and everything will happen as you say.”
Louis: “Proof?”
Subaru: “Do you have the proof, that if I regain『Natsuki Subaru』, the me present right now would disappear……!”
Louis: “We don’t. We don’t you know. Apparently we don’t. As we don’t. We don’t we’re telling you. We don’t though. Even though we apparently don’t. Apparently we don’t as we’re telling you. Even though it means we don’t you know…… Will that, be of any comfort?”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “It’s just going around in circles, onii-san. Even we can’t speak of what we don’t know. If we or onii-chan, nii-sama die, then will what was eaten come back, we wonder. ーーTo be honest, never returned something which we ate so we do~n’t actually kno~w. After all, we’ve eaten it up, you know.”
Saying ah, Louis opened her mouth, arraying her frightfully sharp cuspids and scarlet tongue, showing until the interior of her throat to Subaru, appealing a certain zilch.
Others’ memories, the memories of someone within others, if heisting things of such kind was to be taken under the name of『Eating』, it was impossible for physical vestiges to remain there.
However, Subaru felt the words “Eaten it up” to be terribly weighty.
Louis: “What will you do, onii-san.”
Once again, Louis questioned Subaru.
In the interval between the questions and answers, Subaru’s hands remained on Louis’ neck. Unable to pour strength, or otherwise, completely withdraw his hands, Subaru continued to cast aside the question regarding his own existence.
Subaru: “Gh, kh…… ~hk.”
Dying, was frightening. Terrifying.
However, that was a fear differing from what Subaru had tasted by『Return by Death』four times till now.
The proposition pressing down Subaru’s soul right here and now, was the death comparing and contrasting the choices regarding『Forfeiting Oneself』.
By nature, that is how what is called『Death』is supposed to be.
Upon dying, the consciousness of that existence is lost, and something like an opportunity to redo is never granted.
That is why, Subaru, who continued to take advantages of having opportunities to redo upon making blunders, may not have any right to complain.
To simply be given the choice to disappear or to not disappear, and having the time to be troubled over it may itself be a luxury.
But, it was his own life.
He must himself choose whether he would blow that flame out or not, Subaru’s heart, who had been placed in such a situation, developed a crack by each passing second.
“ーーーー”
Subaru had already died four times in this different world. All of them, affairs within a short time frame.
Thrown into a world he was unacquainted with, meeting people he never would have met, and an instant later having to suffer circumstances difficult to avoid, chased Subaru into death.
The time he spent when he was in a conscious state, when totalled, would not fit in even two days.
It was a short, short time. ーーHowever, Natsuki Subaru also had the time of ten years he had lived in the world he was previously in aside from the two days of this different world.
He had a father. He had a mother. Friends too, though scarce, his relationship with them was a delicate matter and it was uncertain whether he should call them friends, but he had people whom he would at least exchange greetings with. Upon glancing back onto the past, in elementary and middle schools he had people whom he got along with, and he was also acquainted with many who resided in his neighbourhood.
Though, it did not go well. Subaru, was incompetent at life.
However, in a way of not going well, there had been a time of trial and error, though he had never been in a setting where his life was on the line, Subaru still intended to struggle upon his own stage.
Was he going to abdicate, these various times, and accumulated memories.
Should『Natsuki Subaru』return, the fact that they existed would not disappear. However, his current self, who certainly thought of those times, will disappear.
Exchanging promises with Ram, swearing to protect Meili, carving Echidna’s forgiveness in his heart, learning to fight from Julius, affectionately trusting Beatrice, and Emiliaーー,
ーーHis self, who fell in love with Emilia, was he truly going to disappear.
Subaru: “No……”
That realisation, made the flesh body of Subaru present here on this spot develop cracks, this not being a metaphorical expression.
Crevices emerging on his cheek, fissures like a spider’s web emerged on both of his hands which were on Louis’ throat as well. He felt no pain. Neither did he bleed from those crevices. Mysteriously, present within the crevices was darkness. Not the sort possessing flesh or bones, unnatural, unending darkness.
It was according to what he had conjectured, he had not carried over his flesh body of reality.
The body of the Subaru present here was not real. And since it was not real, the current sentiments of his heart were reflected directly, Subaru’s body developed fissures, and was shattering.
The crevices expanded, the surface came unstuck and fell.
That was certainly, the body of deceit called『Natsuki Subaru』which Natsuki Subaru had been wearing.
Alongside that detaching and falling in large drops, even his bluff came unstuck and fell.
Subaru: “No, no, no…… no~…… ~hk.”
Louis: “That’s right. It’s natural, you know.”
Shaking his head in refusal, he denied the fear of the death awaiting himーー no, the fear of forfeiting.
Why, must he vanish. His self, who had just recognised that he was in love with the person he loved.
Subaru: “No……”
Louis: “Hm hm. We get it. We quite do get it. As we get it. We do indeed get it.”
Subaru?: “I refuse…… ~hk.”
Louis: “It’s onii-san’s life, after all. Why must you surrender it to others, you know.”
Subaru: “I, everyone…… more, with everyone……”
Want to stay longer with everyone.
He was in love. He had fallen in love. Even though in the time which would not even be a total of two days, he had been engulfed in doubting them, thinking of killing them, thinking of running away from them, and being suspected by them.
Subaru, had fallen in love with them. Right now, he thought lovingly of them.
If he were to stay with them, if they would cherish Subaru, then he might even grow to love himself, whom he utterly loathed.
That, is what he thought. Facing forward, that is what he thought.
Even though in Subaru’s life, of always facing backward, this was, at long last, an illuminating spot of sunshine.
Why must he relinquish it.
That was something heーー,
Subaru: “……I refuse.”
Louis: “That’s right. That’s how it is. ーーThen, what do you think you should do?”
Subaru: “……I, just as myself.”
Louis: “Yes, onii-san will be, just as onii-san. That is correct. It got plundered once. It’s a game of musical chairs. The guy sitting on the vacant seat, is the king, you know.”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “The opponent who got pushed away, must exit. You have to recognise. Your own existence. You have to shout loudly, that you are real! Hey, isn’t that so!”
Directly below him, at a distance such that their breaths intertwined, widening her eyes shining blazingly, Louis roared.
With vigour like that of snarlingーー no, as a matter of fact, she gnawed Subaru’s wrists which were on her neck etching? admonition and a striking pain upon Subaru.
Staring at the wavering dark eyes, Louis Arneb shouted.
Louis: “Recognise! ーー『Natsuki Subaru』is, the closest person to onii-san ~tsu!”
The howl called for him, telling him to establish oneself.
Telling him to stop doing something so foolish as dying for the sake of someone.
Why, must there be a need for him to sacrifice himself for the sake of someone or the other.
ーーThat too, for the sake of having his self who wasn’t himself, who named himself as him, meet the people he loved, whom he won’t be able to meet anymore.
All for the sake of him ceding the time he spent with them, the priceless days difficult to ever obtain.
As if he would allow himself to do, something so foolish.
Louis: “Well the~n, kill him! Let’s kill him! Let’s go ahead and kill him! You have to kill him! Do kill him! If you kill him! Let’s end up killing him! Just kill him! End up killing him! If you can only kill him! If you kill and crush him!”
Subaru: “『Natsuki Subaru』will……”
Louis: “Onii-san is this universe’s one and only, not a substitute article for anyone, Natsuki Subaru!”
Subaru: “ーー~hk.”
This universe’s one and only, not a replacement for anyone, Natsuki Subaru.
Holding hands with Beatrice, striking persiflage with Ram, making Meili pout, being astonished by Shaula’s frankness, exchanging smiles with Echidna through frivolous conversations, entrusting his back on Julius, receiving Patrasche’s gratis love, attaining the right to live, with Emilia.
If the one who possesses those is『Natsuki Subaru』, then at Subaru’s hands, that man shall.
“ーーーー”
Tears building up, his field of vision was blurred due to the feelings welling up inside of him.
His mind had a direct impact on his flesh body. The beating of his heart, his breathing through aching lungs, he could unmistakably feel them vividly right now.
However?, what he could feel the greatest right now, were his irresistible tears wielding no answer.
Whether that was rage or grief, envy or jealousy, guilt or fear.
Just, what was the cause of this violent emotion, Subaru did not know at all. There was lots he did not know. However, with his field of vision blurred by those tears, Subaru looked.
“ーーーー”
Someone, was overlooking Subaru, Louis.
Staring at the teary eyed pathetic Subaru, who had pinned Louis down and had his hands on her neck.
Whom that could have been, within what all Subaru’s mind could grasp, it could have been only one person.
Subaru: “……Did you, appear because you got scared of me,『Natsuki Subaru』.”
“ーーーー”
The blurry shadow of a person said nothing.
Standing on the white floor, the white world behind its back, the form getting misty with white, was watching Subaru.
Subaru, with his face soggy, informed the existence who had panicked and appeared forth suddenly.
Subaru: “I will…… I will, not disappear. I don’t want to die. That’s why, I……”
“ーーーー”
Subaru: “Want to stay together with everyone. I love everyone. That’s why, I am……”
“ーーーー”
Subaru: “That’s why, I am……”
As if an excuse, his complaints stockpiled.
Same as when he had put his hands on Louis’ throat. ーーSubaru had concluded, that he didn’t want himself to disappear. That’s why, doing he now was conveying that to the shadow of a person which had appeared.
That also meant that he would, with certainty, kill the opponent in front of his eyes, who had the same face as himself.
After all, he is,『Natsuki Subaru』is, the closest person to him.
That is why, Subaru must be possessing that right.
Natsuki Subaru, shall kill『Natsuki Subaru』, and the single spot of sunshine shall beーー.
Subaru: “That’s why, I am, not you! You and I are……”
Different, he tried to convey that clearly, and sever the possibility.
That had been the moment, he had tried to do so.
Louis: “……Who, are you talking to, onii-san.”
Dumbfounded, with widened eyes, Louis questioned with an expression as if her conversation had been stalled.
She inclined her neck and glared in the same direction as Subaru, and tried to look at that shadow of a person. However, she knitted her eyebrows in doubt and grimaced, and as her sharp canines quivered,
Louis: “ーーNobody, nobody’s? there, but still, who are you talking to, onii-san.”
“ーーーー”
With her fangs rattling and trembling, Louis whispered so with an expression of disbelief.
In refusal, she erased her expression until then, and made a face like that of being frightened by something,
Louis: “This is, our place…… no hindrances are supposed to get in, and yet. In this place, talking to someone aside from us…… just stop. Onii-san is our, our…… ~tsu!”
Louis words, as they clung onto him, however Subaru’s? awareness did not move a bit.
Subaru’s awareness, had focused all concentration of the yet present shadow of a person the field of his vision, not having vanished. His field of vision blurred with tears, the wavering shadow of a person, its contour and features became ever so slightly clear.
Who it was, he had no idea whatsoever.
That shadow of a person whose contour and features gradually got clearer, to Subaru seemed like it was smiling.
Shaking his head, blinking with strength, he tried to look at that diminutive smile with further clarityーー,
???: “ーーWhy, are you trying to choose only one of the two?”
A question, was raised towards him.
With a voice he had never heard before, with the voice of someone, who was not supposed to be here.
Whom he had never seen smilingーー a young girl of blue hair, had been standing there, smiling.
That smiling young girl, whilst continuing to smile, towards Subaru who had sunk in silenceーー,
???: “ーーStand Up!!”
ーーHer commencing words.
ーーThe young girl, with the utmost relentless voice in the world, shouted at Natsuki Subaru.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
???: “ーーStand up!!”
The voice, vanquished the cracking Natsuki Subaru, scourged him, and knocked him down.
Without mercy, without hesitation, the bellow shattered Natsuki Subaru, and accelerated his cracking. ーーAs if, talons artlessly stabbing into his naked heart.
???: “Stand up!”
The young girl of blue hair, raised her voice facing Subaru.
Glaring at Subaru, the young girl, with a loud voice, howled. Howled. She was howling.
At Natsuki Subaru, who remained on his knees, who had pinned a young girl down, and had fissures emerge on his dumbfounded face.
???: “Stand up!!”
Her bellow, repeated.
Limitlessly and endlessly, callously and inconsiderately, it knocked Subaru’s heart down.
Why, must such words strike him.
It was painful. It was hurtful. It was excruciating. It was sorrowful. His heart was about to shatter even now.
Never in his life, had he been struck with such agonizing decisions from next to next without even having prepared his heart beforehand. ーーHe had somehow stopped lamenting that crisis.
That is why, at the very least, he had formed a conclusion. That is why, was it not just fine anymore.
???: “Stand up!”
The young girl before his eyes, by no means approved of the complaints, the obstinate conclusion, the heart afraid of forfeiting making Subaru’s heart cower. Laded with a resolute purpose of rejection, she piled up the potent words.
He had made the decision. Could she not just affirm it. At the very least, show being troubled over it. It was alright, was it not. He had been troubled sufficiently. Yet, the young girl went so far, all for the sake of having Subaru be.
???: “Stand upーー!”
As his heart continued to shatter into pieces, she did not pardon Subaru, who had made the decision.
???: “Stand upーー!”
Was she, still going to say that.
Why, was this young girl, this voice.
Despite it being so hurtful, so excruciating.
???: “Stand……! Stand! Stand! Stand up!”
Just who, was this young girl.
Just where in his reminiscences, was this young girl.
Never had he exchanged words with her. Even her reminiscences, were not present within the current Subaru.
Who was she, what kind of a person was she, he had known merely her outward appearance.
Their relationship was one such that he would not even bother giving up for her sake.
Yet, why, was his chest so warm.
Why, was there a fever rising from the interior of his chest.
???: “Stand up, Natsuki Subaru! Stand up! ーーRem’s hero!!”
The tearful voice of the young girl not present in his memories, shouted to be a hero by that voice, his heart trembled.
Subaru’s heart trembled, in such a good condition that he almost wanted to laugh, with the notion of something so absurd as that being possible.
The cracks, the fissures, continued to accelerate.
That was, quite literally, the spectacle of Natsuki Subaru tearing apart the shell of『Natsuki Subaru』.
However, what slept within that shell, only faintly varied from what was there just previously.
ーーNo, if it was to truly change, it was from now onward.
Continuing to be wished to stand up, gnashing his teeth at his frightened heart, he stood up.
???: “If you’ve stood up, then please go. Go, and save, everything.”
Everything, what does that mean. Everything, just what did it mean.
A way of speaking far too absentminded. Just what, did everything even refer to.
???: “Everything is everything. Anything and everything. All, everyone, yourself, and the closest person to you as well!”
What’s, that.
As if something like that, is achievable. Does this girl, truly believe he was capable of that.
His self, who lacked in much, who can’t even save himself.
For the sake of the people Subaru fell in love with, for the sake of the people who cherished Subaru, for the sake of the people Subaru wanted to cherish, for the sake of his reminiscences with the people he did not want to disappear.
Does she truly believe that the Subaru, who had tried to let go of merely one, is also capable of it.
???: “You can do it. After all”
After all.
After all, what.
Give me the strength, the answer. If you’re going to give them, then give them through those words.
I pray that the blue young girl’s, your words, give meーー,
Rem: “ーーSubaru-kun is, Rem’s hero.”
Subaru: “ーーーー”
Something, fell in the interior of chest.
That which had stagnated in black, as if had been purified by the echo of the young girl, seemingly a confession of love. ーーNo, not seemingly a confession of love. That had been, a confession of love.
Though once again, his reasons for not wanting to give back the place where he belongs to『Natsuki Subaru』increased.
Subaru: “ーーAh.”
At the same time, what had increased was not just that.
Purified by the words of the young girl, that which had stagnated in black gave rise to radiance and altered its very form.
And, commenced pulsating from what was the strongest desire stemming from the core of Natsuki Subaru.
“ーーーー”
It pulsated. That which had lost anything and everything, and had been deserted by entirety.
Yet furthermore, wishing, desiring, wanting to fasten and secure everything, wanting to not lose anything at all from these hands, wanting to not let go of oneself, from oneself’s own hands.
Concording with the cowardly『Greed』which implored so, it bloomed by becoming a power which granted this wish.
ーーThe Factor wandering and jolting, connected together with existence.
Subaru: “Come, ーーCor Leonis.”
Within Subaru, the seed of the『Greed』which had lost its destination budded.
And, standing firm, his form wasーー,
Rem: “ーーーー”
Merely the diminutive smile of the young girl of blue hair, blessed that moment.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Louis: “ーーOnii-san?”
“ーーーー”
Looking up at Subaru, who had slowly stood up at that spot, Louis called out to him.
Pulling the hand that had been on her neck, Louis, with bafflement remaining on her expression, woke her body up from the golden bed her hair had been blanketing and blinked in seeming perplexment.
Louis: “What, happened. Look, continue the one from earlier…… continue it?”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “Continue it……”
Being told to resume, Subaru moistened his lips with his tongue.
When contemplating as an existence of mere mind, both this and temporary peace of mind were naught but meaningless actions closer to habits.
However, by that single action, he had come to notice something.
ーーHe was clear-headed to such an extent that even he himself would be surprised.
The incomprehensible chaos and frenzy until a moment ago, just as both of them had been pulled away by waves, he felt at peace as if swimming in the middle of a calm sea.
That is whyーー,
Subaru: “You don’t need to say anything, anymore. I’m fed up of your gut-wrenching explanation.”
He had managed to recognise how the clod of malice which had taken the form of a young girl before his eyes twisted and distorted Subaru’s will and use it as per her own conveniences.
At what Subaru had pointed out, Louis said “Nonono” and shook her right and left,
Louis: “Gut-wrenching you say…… how harsh. Even though we had, in our own way, pro~perly thought of onii-san, and just given advice……”
Subaru: “Also stop using words I know for purposefully making me hear sarcasm about myself like this. Even if you try to shake me like this, it’s of no use. ーーThe present me, will no longer waver.”
“ーーーー”
At those words, Louis straitened her eyes. Surely she was unaware of the details of what changes had occurred in Subaru’s? self. Even Subaru did not specifically know.
However, the『Greed』which shall not waver by anything, had decided upon Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru had also defined himself.
Into the form wished by the young girl, who had shouted at none but the Subaru of that moment.
“ーーーー”
Subaru glanced at not Louis, but the side opposite to her.
There no longer was the form of her, who had not too long ago faced Subaru and struck him with relentless words. The moment Subaru stood up and faced forward, she disappeared.
But, perhaps, that was fine.
The reunion with the young girl, was not to take place here, and neither with Subaru.
No, that was not exactly accurate either. Merely, the one to reunite with her, must be the Natsuki Subaru who has recovered his memories with her, his feelings for her.
And, there was no need to form a distinction between that『Natsuki Subaru』and Natsuki Subaru.
Subaru: “I was told…… time and time again, still huh.”
ーーHe had been told, that even after losing his memories, Subaru was Subaru.
When he stubbornly used to think that there was a precise, distinct disparity, that he must differentiate, those had been Subaru’s encumbrance, chains of curse.
But, so what.
Right now, from Subaru’s perspective, who had ascertained what he must do, that was a guidepost, a thread of hope.
It will surely light Subaru’s path until he pulls it in, reels it in, gets closer, and reaches the place where the people whom he cherishes, who were holding the front of that thread were.
That is whyーー,
Subaru: “Put away your knife and fork, you food-thieving escaped fugitive. There’s no noodle soup for you here.”
“ーーーー”
She widened, her eyes.
Louis Arneb widened her eyes, staring at Subaru who had a finger pointed towards her. And perceiving the absence of even the slightest sympathy in Subaru’s expression, she cast her eyes down.
Louis: “A~h……”
Her eyes cast down, she leaked out a husky sigh.
That had been a sigh conceived with emotions highly difficult to delineate.
Louis, who got her body up, had her shoulders shake, drew her knees towards herself, and curled up atop her golden carpet.
And, slowly elevating her face which had been cast downwardーー,
Louis: “ーーA~h, shit, shit, shit. A single step more, a single step more was left, and yet.”
With a gaze filled with abhorrence, Louis glared at Subaru and wrung that out with a voice as if casting a curse.
“ーーーー”
Louis: “A single step more was left and yet, huh. Why, how come, did it fail, huh. ーーWho, tricked onii-san, huh.”
That was a tone of voice which reached a murky conclusion, hatred towards isolation like that of the dead from the depths of hell envying the way of being of the living celebrating paradise above ground.
With a voice filled with such resentment, Louis resumed.
Louis: “With a single step more,『Natsuki Subaru』and Natsuki Subaru could’ve been completely torn apart and yet……!”
Subaru: “……What’s up with that. Why’d you do something like that.”
Louis: “ーーIsn’t it obvious, because we can’t eat the same human twice ~tsu!?”
Subaru: “ーー~hk.”
Painting out Subaru’s dubious voice, Louis screamed with a cracking voice as if vomiting blood.
She had her limbs on that spot and then stood up, and with an expression completely changed from had been until thenーー with a countenance like that of a beast which had lost its human kindness, she glared at Subaru.
Louis: “It each had to be separate! The『Natsuki Subaru』who got eaten once, and the Natsuki Subaru left to be eaten each had to be separate. For that, we had concentrated attention on this plan or that and yet…… it was all stupidity! Laughable, isn’t it!”
Subaru: “……I won’t laugh. It’s not funny, not one bit.”
Louis: “Is that so? Is that really so! But, onii-san also hates us, isn’t that right? Isn’t it fun to see our hated self being sad? It must be feeling good, right? Even though onii-san would have…… only you would have fulfilled us, who’ve gotten sick of eating…… by only you, us of『Satiation』could’ve ~tsu!”
At Louis, who had bloodshot eyes, Subaru whispered “Satiation” within his lips.
If he had not made a mistake hearing her, the title she had named herself as was supposed to be『Gluttony』. Why would that now turn into something like『Satiation』.
In front of Subaru, who was perplexed in that manner, Louis shouted, saying “To begin with!” whilst looking up into the white sky.
Louis: “Both Ley of『Gourmet』! And Roy of『Bizarre Eating』! Know absolu~tely nothing! From one to the next, thoughtlessly unbridledly eating messily like a bunch of idiots…… for our sake, who are locked up here and don’t have the freedom to choose? Don’t make us laugh, useless siblings ~tsu!”
Embracing and bringing her yellow hair close to her, Louis disheveled her body and began spitting.
Her words, Subaru, whilst standing straight, was unaware of all what they meant. Ley or Roy, those which she had brought up, could they be names, perhaps.
However, the existence of『Gluttony』, memories, there were certain things he could discern from themーー,
Subaru: “You, get together with your comrades and things like people’s memories and, names…… is it fine to notate it as that? At any rate, you go around stealing things like that. Go around eating things like that. Isn’t that right?”
An instance of getting his memories eaten, and forgetting who his own self was would be Subaru.
An instance of getting his name eaten, and being forgotten by the surroundings and lamenting would be Julius.
And, probably getting both sides eaten, forgotten by the world and falling into a slumber never to wake up from was Rem.
All of them, were deeds of『Gluttony』, of Louis, and her comrades whose names got brought up earlierーー,
Subaru: “Why the hell are you all doing something like that? What is the goal, of all of you?”
Louis: “ーーIt’s to become happy.”
“ーーーー”
Made to hear the immediate reply, Subaru halted his breath.
Paying no heed to his reaction, Louis resounded her teeth by clattering them with seeming instability of mind,
Louis: “It’s to become happy. What other goal is there? To become happy is the goal of living, isn’t it? Or, did you think that our loathed self had twisted and distorted away from that? Wrong. That’s wrong. It’s wrong anyway. As it’s wrong. Certainly it is wrong. As it’s too wrong. Apparently it’s wrong. As we’re telling you it’s wrong! A~h, our soul hurts…… ~tsu!”
Subaru: “What’s the connection between, the goal of becoming happy and stealing others’ memories……”
Louis: “ーーSa~y onii-san, have you ever thought life is unfair?”
Subaru: “I have.”
Louis: “Awa ~tsu.”
Whilst having her tooth into the back of her white hand, Louis questioned Subaru. When Subaru nodded his head in agreement as a matter of prompt judgement, Louis loathsomely laughed saying “Of course”.
Whilst deriding, she had her hand which impressions of her teeth crawl up her slim chest.
Louis: “We have, too. Rather, life is unfairness itself. Can’t choose birth, can’t choose parents, can’t choose the environment, can’t choose the future, not a single thing can be chosen. Always, it’s made to be a system of that kind. It’s being atop a belt conveyor.”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “ーーBut, what if that wasn’t the case?”
In front of the silent Subaru, Louis tilted her neck.
Louis: “What if birth could be chosen? What if parents could be chosen? What if the environment could be chosen? What if the future could be chosen? What if all options were as per imagination? ……Everyone, would choose a better life, isn’t it? Is that wrong?”
Subaru: “That…… may be true but.”
What was the associativity between that and Louis and the others’ crimes, Subaru pondered.
However, Louis clang her teeth at that doubt of Subaru’s,
Louis: “ーーThat’s it.”
Subaru: “……Ah?”
Louis: “If birth could be chosen, if parents could be chosen, if the environment could be chosen, if the future could be chosen, if all options were as per imagination, everyone would choose a better life. ーーThat is why, we are taking time and making utmost effort, and searching the greatest life for us.”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “Surely, it is somewhere ~tsu! Where we can live with our head held high, like us! A future filled with roses, such that we’d think we were glad to have lived this life! Until the time of fortuitously meeting that destined life, we’ll eat, crunch, chew, lick, suck, indulge, gluttonous drinking ~tsu! Gluttony ~tsu!”
Her eyes dazzling blazingly, Louis Arneb shouted her lovely ambition out with a roaring voice.
She truly believed, from the bottom of her heart, that this was pursuit for happiness, that this was the sole way for her to grasp the supreme future for herself.
Louis had not discovered any hopes, any expectations for her own life.
For in her mind, the life of the young girl named Louis Arneb had been inferior in its initial disposition. The starting point had been incorrect. ーーThat is why, she wanted to negate that.
She wanted to win and gain her self who was abound in birth, parents, environment, future, talents, everything.
She had defined precisely that to be an indispensable condition, for enjoying life to the maximum.
That is whyーー,
Subaru: “For that, you steal the memories of others, and eat them……?”
Louis: “Once the desired life is found, by affixing the『Memories』and『Name』, we will live that life with our head held high. Unfortunately, as of now, everyone’s been omitted from being selected…… there had been lives which were on the right track but, you know, we won’t be satisfied by a few meagre experiences.”
Speaking enthusiastically with a trembling voice, Louis had her finger gently crawl on her petite body beneath her patchy clothes, and made a charming gesture unbefitting her ageーー no, that was not the case.
If her, if『Gluttony’s』words were true, then she had eaten the lives of innumerable people until now, and through that had procured an amount of resources of experiences beyond what any ordinary man can physically experience.
Men, women, children, elderly, possibly leaping over the fences of even races or species, having her fill of the experiences of every possible existence, tasting them till finishing, a person who performed the satiation of lives.
It was just as how Louis had called herself.
She had, grown tired. Of eating the lives of others.
For her, who continued to snitch and eat the “delicious parts” of the lives of all kinds of people, all possible happenings were stale articles, the same hackneyed events with nothing novel to them.
But, just as when he understood Louis’ mental state, he also discovered something he could not understand.
That wasーー,
Subaru: “Then why did you, who practices such an unbalanced diet, go as far as to use that pain in the butt measure to try and chew me? Is it your obstinacy as a food fighter, something like never excusing what was left to be eaten?”
Louis: “It’s not such a silly reason. ーーIt’s because onii-san, is our destiny.”
“ーーーー”
Should it be accepted at face value and it seemed as if he was being made fun of, with those thoughts Subaru glared at Louis with rage and vigilance.
However, Louis’ eyes which were looking at Subaru, there present was no falsehood in their ardour. She truly was deeply in love with and yearned for Subaruーー precisely, Subaru’s『Life』.
The reason beingーー,
Louis: “Men and women of all ages, all kinds of humans, races, positions, anything and everything, leaping above it all and having eaten all kinds of things are us, but there’s a single thing, which is unknown to us. Do you know what it is?”
Subaru: “What might it be. I don’t know. My good-for-nothing self’s way of grieving or something?”
Louis: “ーーIt’s the experience of『Death』.”
Subaru, with one of his eyes remaining shut, halted all movement.
Whilst intently watching that Subaru, Louis lifted up her slim arms and pointed both her palms towards him.
Louis: “No matter how many of others’ memories are eaten, it’s impossible. Only the memories of『Death』, can never be obtained. After all, isn’t that the way it is? Memories, are the record of the period of living after all. That’s why, something like the memories of the time of dying don’t exist. ーーOnly onii-san, is an exception.”
Louis seemingly envied, jealoused, deeply loved, yearned for the power of『Return by Death』from the innermost depths of her heart.
The young girl who had grown tired of this world, was deeply in love with and yearned for the man who conferred to her the sole fresh moment.
Louis: “Hey hey, what does death feel like? It’s surely rough, right? It’s agonizing, right? It’s terrible, right? It’s painful, isn’t it? There was also a time when it didn’t hurt, isn’t it? Some say it feels good, is that true? When dying, do you actually always feel delighted? Or, do you stop caring anymore? An easy victory? Hey, hey hey, heyheyhey!”
Subaru: “……If you, have my memories of everything till yesterday, then shouldn’t you be knowing all that.”
Louis: “As memories, you see! But, on second thought that is old, as it’s not real! We want a more raw experience. We can’t be satisfied by a reused stale ingredient. What will satisfy us, is a new, fresh and juicy state of mind nobody is aware of ~tsu!”
Resuming her words, saying that is whyーー,
Louis: “The sole special memories in this world, which nobody else can experience! Not just that, but the simplicity of just quickly dying and redoing upon making a mistake! Even upon finding the greatest life for oneself, there’s always the possibility of ruining it by some sort of failure, isn’t that right? But, if it’s onii-san’s life then that isn’t there! It’s alright, we’ll do it well such that nobody will find out!”
“ーーーー”
Louis: “Neither Emilia, nor Beatrice, nor Ram, nor Meili, nor Julius, nor Echidna, nor Shaula, nor Patrasche, nor Petra, nor Otto, nor Garfiel, nor Frederica, nor Lewes, nor Roswaal, nor Clind, nor Annerose, nor Felt, nor Reinhardt, nor Grandpa Rom, nor TonChinKan, nor Crusch, nor Ferris, nor Wilhelm, nor Ricardo, nor Mimi, nor Hetaro, nor Tivey, nor Priscilla, nor Al, nor Schult, nor Heinkel, nor Kiritaka, nor Liliana, no body no one no body no one no body no one! Deceiving them, we will live happily!”
Making both of her hands, which had been pushed out, project so that they were holding out to him, Louis adorably tilted her head.
Louis: “That’s why, please. ーーLet us eat onii-san’s life, such that we fill our stomach?”
As if pleading, the young girl, from the multitude of memories possessed by herself, must have unmistakably chosen the plead, the dependency utmost befitting of this place.
It was the proof that no matter what kind of ingredients are gathered, should the cooking skills be poor it’ll amount to nothing.
There had been a wise saying which Subaru liked, it’s not that the ingredients are bad, it’s merely the cookery that is bad.
Never had he realised that to this extent.
Innumerable, multitudinous, numerous experience points ordinary humans can never possess.
Never had Subaru come across an existence, who was so wasteful and squandering.
Subaru: “ーーYou won’t get a third chance. My anguish, my death, my life, everything belongs to me. There’s not a single thing, which I’ll give you!”
“ーーーー”
Subaru: “Starve to death, bloody bastard. If you can’t choose but a single way to die in life, then that’s what I’d suggest to you. ーーSuffer the most, in this whole world.”
Gesturing a slash on his own neck with his thumb, Subaru asserted so.
In response to those words, Louis rounded her eyes then looked at both of her hands. And then, covering her face with those hands, looking up into the white sky, she groaned “A~a~a~a~a~h”.
Louis: “We, failed. We did fail. We ended up failing. So we did fail. We did end up failing. We quite indeed ended up failing. We ended up failing isn’t it. As we ended up failing…… a~h, a~a~a~a~a~h.”
With teeth clattering and knees quivering, Louis sunk down to the floor at that very spot.
Her seriously being shocked, was the testimony to her coaxing Subaru with equal seriousness. Since the result of that seriousness was that wording, the style of failure of her spiritual nature held no need to be pronounced.
Subaru as well, remained without pulling down his attitude suggesting serves you right at all.
Subaru: “I won’t become as you wished. My name is Natsuki Subaru, the name given to me by Natsuki Kenichi and Natsuki Naoko. ーーNothing else. I am myself.”
Louis: “Even though it may get overwritten, and disappear?”
Subaru: “I’ll teach you a magic spell. ーーThat is that, this is this.”
The magic? spell he had struck Julius with, this time he shall face himself and strike it.
Should『Natsuki Subaru』be recovered, the Subaru of this moment may disappear. However, it’s also possible that he may not disappear. There may be a way to not erase him.
He may somehow find a way, to share the single spot of sunshine.
Subaru: “I, who enter into others’ hearts with shoes on through speaking bluntly, have no need to be mannerless and occupy the spot of sunshine either. That’s my answer. Cut your hair, stupid.”
Declaring a remark suggesting an act of abandonment, Subaru turned his back towards Louis.
He directed no vigilance towards the young girl sunk down to the floor, holding her head. Right now, a way to return from this incomprehensible space was more important than that.
As quickly as possible, he must return under Emilia and the others, and once again tackle Reid’s『Book of the Dead』.
To begin with, why to this place, would Reid’s『Book of this Dead』ーー,
Louis: “ーーA~h, enough. So there’s no choice but to leave the rest, to onii-chan and nii-sama, hu~h.”
“ーーーー”
Behind the pondering Subaru, Louis revealed as if grieving.
Hearing that, Subaru, who had his ears on the floor and was knocking the ground, turned around. Louis was lying sprawled atop her own golden hair, covering her face with her palms, flapping her legs.
Onii-chan and, nii-sama.
Bynames Louis had often mentioned. If that was, just as how Subaru imaginedーー,
Subaru: “ーーLey and, Roy.『Gourmet』and『Bizarre Eating』?”
Louis: “We can’t exit this place. That’s why, unless onii-chan and nii-sama kindly eat, we can’t choose what to eat either…… That’s why, we made a request.”
Subaru: “Request……”
Ruminating the words of a bad premonition, Subaru prompted the other side of those words.
He felt Louis took awfully long to vomit out the continuation of those words. Before long, as if tracing Subaru’s impatience, Louis’ red lips quivered,
Louis: “Isn’t this the second time, onii-san has come here since last night. ーーThat’s why, both onii-chan and nii-sama, both of them have noticed. About where, onii-san is.”
“ーーーー”
ーーIt was made clear, those two menaces now drew near『Pleiades Watchtower』.
Louis: “Both of them, said they were keenly interested in onii-san, you know. That’s a matter of course. ーーBecause you kno~w, onii-san is abundantly doing experiences which they have never tasted before.”
Subaru: “Sh, it……! You…… ~hk.”
Louis: “ーーA~h, how unfai~r.”
Louis casually whispered so, upon Subaru’s shivering, having gotten to know that truth.
Louis’ whisper, possessing no chain of logic, even Subaru immediately understood what it meant.
Subaru: “Is this, an outlet!?”
Behind Subaru, who had turned back, a fissure was generated in the white space and its other side was visible, though flickering.
A clear physical disorder, an inconceivable leap through space was originating within it.
Inspired by Subaru’s purpose, that he must return to the library.
“ーーーー”
Louis: “You cannot. Onii-san can never. Though we wanted you to, you know.”
The existence of the outlet, before he could sail across it, Subaru wavered over Louis’ treatment.
Whether the sequence of events of him strangling her neck, and thereafter, also including her attitude once her ulterior motive had been made clear, it was perhaps true that she possessed no combat power greater than what her appearance suggested.
That is why, Subaru ending Louis in this place should physically be possible.
Thinking about that, for naught but a single instant, the moment he directed his troubled gaze, his true motives got seen through.
Louis: “Even if you suspect, even if you despair, you can’t kill yourself, others, or even those whom you loathe. Spineless coward. ーーEven though, we licked you gently.”
Subaru: “ーー. Well, your teeth must’ve gotten spoilt. Get them remedied, stupid.”
Subaru declared with his middle finger raised, at Louis who made a provoking expression.
Without seeing through until Louis felt ashamed at those words, Subaru tried to insert his body into the fissure in space. At that moment, that lone instant, he yielded faltering.
It was not as if he felt sorry for Louis. He felt relieved at the thought of not having to see that face again.
What Subaru felt sorry for, was not his parting with Louis, but the voice that made Subaru stand up.
For that instant alone, the young girl who had appeared, only to enliven Subaru.
Having gotten her memories and name stolen, the sole young girl who consequently called out to Subaru at the extremity of the world.
Subaru: “It’s alright. ーーI remember, the promise.”
Natsuki Subaru, shall certainly never forget that.
That is why, certainly, they shall meet again.
ーーRuminating that he would like to hear, not merely her stern voice, but also her tender voice then.
“ーーーー”
Enthusiastic for that, Subaru had his body leap into the fissure, in order to return under his comrades.
※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ ※
Louis: “A~h, a~h, a~h, God damn it! Not even turning around, what a man ~tsu!”
Louis: “Won’t excuse you. Won’t let you escape. Absolutely, absolutely…… ~tsu!”
Louis: “Don’t think it’s over with this, Natsuki Subaru…… ~tsu!”
Louis: “Your life, belongs, to u~u~u~sーー ~tsu!!”
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