Taming the Queen of Beasts

AARYN

Aaryn didn't answer immediately, and Elreth didn't push, for which he was grateful. They sat together, fingers entwined, and both watched the wolf continue to circle the dining room, her head only rising when she reached a window—whining, her nostrils flaring.

She was desperate to be outside.

Then Aaryn got to his feet and Elreth started to get up too, but he gestured for her to stay. When she looked worried, he shook his head. "Don't worry. I'm not going to push her anymore. I'm just… I just want to say goodbye."

Elreth choked on tears, but she nodded, covering her mouth with her hands. "I'm here, when you need me," she whispered.

He nodded and a pang of fear shot through him. Was he really going to do this?

For a moment it sounded stupid, rash, crazy—and wrong. But now that he could think, now that his mind wasn't screaming at him anymore, he thought he knew what Elreth had been trying to tell him.

They didn't know, of course, exactly what happened when an Anima went silent. Because no one had ever come back from it.

It had happened over the generations more than once—an Anima that lost control to their beast and disappeared, never to return. And some Anima who gave control to the beast.

Did that mean they couldn't take it back after that? Or that they just chose not to?

He didn't know. But he suspected…

He'd never shifted, so he couldn't be sure. Maybe he'd ask Reth one day. He didn't trust anyone else to be honest with him after this. But from what he'd heard them all say, he suspected he knew.

The beasts weren't the Anima that controlled them. He knew that much. They were taught as much—even the disformed—as pups.

The beast was a different being, but one they were tied to. Aaryn had a beast—he felt it, often. Knew it existed. Could feel it wanting to break through his skin. And yet, for whatever reason, it never had.

But the others… they could do that. Their beasts could appear. Linked in a way that seemed impossible. If the beast took an injury, the Anima would return with the same wound. And yet… and yet…

Reth had spoken often of wrestling for control with his beast. Of the leash he held on it when he shifted. Of how important it was to keep that link, to stay present as much as he could. He used it as a metaphor for discipline when he was training. Aaryn had heard him give the lecture to Elreth more than once.

The more dominant the Anima, the more dominant the beast—or maybe it was the other way around? He wasn't sure.

All he knew was, it was a battle for them. Every time. Every time they shifted they had to hold onto themselves. And every time they wanted to come back from wherever they disappeared to within the beast, they had to fight for it.

If his mother had given over to her beast… if she'd shifted and not held onto herself. If she'd let go of the leash, what must have happened?

He wasn't sure—none of them could be. But he thought he knew.

She was gone. She had disappeared into that place Elreth went when she shifted. She had become what his beast was to him—a presence, an awareness, a pressure. But she couldn't come through.

It was the thought he hadn't wanted to let himself have.

There was no leash anymore.

She couldn't come back now.

She didn't have a map. No path to follow. She wasn't dead—and that was strangely reassuring to Aaryn in that moment. It should have made him angry. But for that day, for this moment… he was glad. He was glad she still existed. He prayed she had found some measure of peace, somehow. He hated to think what she'd been through to push her this far.

He looked at the wolf then and she turned from the window where she'd been sniffing and faced him, her eyes wary.

This time, when he approached, he did so with his instincts intact, aware. He didn't get too close. He kept himself low, and his body language unthreatening.

She watched him carefully, but she didn't growl when he crouched a few feet away from her, his elbows on his knees.

"Hi," he said, feeling stupid, but he didn't know how else to start. "I really hope you can hear me. I hope… I hope you can feel me, even if you can't think or speak or… whatever. I just hope you can hear me."

Her ears flickered, but she didn't move.

"I'm sorry I scared you," he said. "This was all just such a shock. I never… I never realized how much you were hurting, Mom. I'm sorry. I wish I'd realized. I would have given you more reassurance. I would have spent more time with you. So, I'm sorry. I didn't realize.

"I want you to know… even though it's too late  now, I just want you to know: You're needed. You're necessary to me. I wish you didn't have to go because it's going to leave a huge hole in my life. In my heart. I wish you could see that I didn't need you just to have a house to come home to. I needed you, Mom. I still do. I wish you could have seen that. I wish I'd communicated that to you."

A little, strangled noise came from the couch behind him, but Aaryn pushed on.

"I don't agree with this, what you've chosen. I think… I think something blinded you to the truth. But I don't hate you, okay? I'm going to try not to get angry about it. Because I love you. You're my mom. And no matter what else has happened, no one else will ever be that for me. No one. Do you hear me? You're my mom. Only you. Forever."

The wolf whined and backed away a step and for a minute hope rose in his chest. But then she turned her head to look at the window on the other side of the table.

It was the wolf equivalent of pointing at something.

Aaryn sighed.

"If you can hear me, just know that I love you, okay? And I'm going to miss you every day. And if you ever find your way back, I want you to be in my life again. I mean that, Mom. Come back if you can. But if you can't… I love you anyway."

He swallowed the tears that were closing his throat, held her eyes, and whispered, "Thank you for staying as long as you did." Then he blew out a breath. "Goodbye, Mom."

*****

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