Unintended Cultivator

Sen had suspected that the three nascent soul cultivators would keep him talking for days if he let them. So, he begged off with excuses about being tired after making the house. He was tired, just not physically. Recounting everything he’d done for a year, give or take, had been mentally taxing because so much of it couldn’t be talked about without dredging up old fears, old questions, and old uncertainties. Beyond that, it had been a very one-sided conversation. He understood why they focused so much attention on him. They had all periodically interacted with each other, which had let them stay up to date with each other. They just all seemed to forget that he hadn’t enjoyed those updates. He wanted to talk with Falling Leaf, and he wanted to do it with some measure of privacy. Fortunately, the elder cultivators seemed satisfied that they had at least a general understanding of what he’d been up to and were willing to let other questions go until the next day.

Master Feng picked a bedroom at random and vanished into it. Uncle Kho and Auntie Caihong disappeared into another. Lo Meifeng gave him a look like she wanted to talk, but then her eyes wandered over to Falling Leaf. She shook her head, went into the last bedroom, and closed the door behind her. It took Sen a second to realize that he and Falling Leaf had been effectively relegated to sleeping in the library. Note to self, he thought, make more bedrooms next time. Not that the stone beds he’d made would have been particularly comfortable, but with some blankets on them, they should be better than sleeping on the ground. He pushed those annoyed thoughts to the side and turned his gaze on Falling Leaf. He wasn’t sure where to start. He had a lot of questions, but he wasn’t sure which could hold and which to ask. What was most important?

For her part, Falling Leaf seemed to be focused inward. She hadn’t spoken much since they’d all arrived, which gave Sen the impression that she did more listening than speaking. That would be consistent with the ghost panther that she had been. Again, Sen found himself struggling with what she was exactly. Was she still a ghost panther? Was she a human now? He couldn’t tell for sure. Then again, maybe his questions weren’t that important. She had seemed genuinely shocked to her core when he’d mentioned Boulder’s Shadow. Sen decided that they might as well start there. She might still have questions, and things might revert to something a little more like normal if he gave her a chance to ask them.

“You said you knew Boulder’s Shadow,” said Sen as a place to start.

Falling Leaf’s eyes shot up to meet his and there was still something of the spirit beast in them, something wholly wild and removed from the world of human civilization. She seemed to think for a moment before she shook her head.

“I know about him. We all did. He was,” she seemed to struggle to find the right words, “like you.”

“Like me? How so?”

“A story. He was a story we heard. A kind of hero to us, to the ghost panthers. I didn’t think he was real.”

“Well, he seemed real enough to me,” said Sen. “We spoke, face to face, no farther apart than we’re sitting right now.”

“Powerful. Conflicted. Honestly, he struck me as unhappy and maybe even a bit sad. No offense but reading feelings off a ghost panther-man wasn’t that easy. I’m making some educated guesses here.”

More silence followed that before Falling Leaf spoke again. “I thought I was the last.”

Sen frowned at that. “The last what? The last ghost panther?”

She nodded. “I knew others might have lived, a few, but searching for them would have been…very dangerous. It was easier to think it was just me.”

Sen could piece together a rough picture of what she meant from things that she had told him before and things that Boulder’s Shadow had said. There had been some kind of conflict in the spirit beast world and the ghost panthers had come out on the losing side of it. Yet, she wasn’t reacting the way he thought he would react in the same circumstances. The news that another ghost panther lived hadn’t made her happy at all. If anything, she seemed weighed down by the knowledge.

“Would you rather I hadn’t told you?”

She cocked her head to one side in the most feline gesture he’d seen her make so far. It was like she’d heard a strange noise and didn’t understand what it meant.

“It is, silly human boy. That is all that matters.”

Sen wasn’t sure he agreed with that sentiment, but she sounded convinced. So, he let it go. He gave it a few moments to see if she wanted to keep discussing the subject of Boulder’s Shadow. When she didn’t say anything, he decided to move on to some of the things he wanted to know. He made a sweeping gesture with his hand to encompass her whole body.

“This change. You never seemed to want something like this before.”

“I didn’t. I was perfect as I was.”

“Then, why?”

Sen then discovered that some expressions seemed to cross over just fine between ghost panther and human because she looked at him like he was an idiot. Then, she hit him hard enough to knock him off the bench.

“Because you were in danger. Hunted by the foul demonic cultivators,” she said.

The seething hatred in her voice when she said the words demonic cultivators seemed wildly out of proportion to whatever danger Sen had faced. As he picked himself up off the floor and rubbed his arm where she’d hit him, he guessed that spirit beasts had their own issues with demonic cultivators. Things that probably had nothing to do with him. He gave her a concerned look.

“I was but that wasn’t a good enough reason for this. Can you change back now that danger is over?”

She didn’t avert her eyes when she answered him, and he could see just how much the answer hurt her. “No.”

Sen just stood there, not sure what to do or say. He felt responsible and guilty. She’d done this to herself because of him, to help him, and now she couldn’t go back. He knew that it wasn’t his place to feel responsible or guilty. He hadn’t asked her to do it. He would never have asked her to do such a thing. She’d made the choice when he’d been long gone and far out of reach. It had been her choice, but it didn’t feel that way to Sen. She’d made that choice out of fear for him.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“It is, Sen,” she said, echoing her earlier words. “And why do you think the danger is over?”

That snapped Sen’s attention into full focus. “What do you mean?”

“A danger has passed. But you are always in danger. You draw it the way fire draws the foolish moth. And you have none to guard your flank, none but that hired woman.”

Sen didn’t really want to get into all of that, but he did it anyway. “She’s good in a fight.”

“Maybe, but your trust in her is…broken?”

“That’s as good a word for it as any.”

Falling Leaf nodded and gestured at herself. “That is why this had to happen. So, I can walk with you among the humans. So, you always have someone you can trust close by.”

A wash of conflicting emotions rolled through Sen. He was overjoyed at the idea of having Falling Leaf with him again. He was also disgusted at himself for the selfishness of that thought. He was overwhelmed by the sacrifice she’d made on his behalf, but also uncertain why she had done it. Yes, she’d given him a reason for why, but he didn’t think that actually covered it. It was too big, too much, too drastic of a change to do for someone you just know. Then again, he didn’t know anything about how ghost panthers viewed friendship or family. He’d never thought to ask, which made him feel even worse. They had occupied a little bubble that was just them up on the mountain and he’d been content with that. He supposed he could chalk some of it up to how young he’d been at first, but he’d been old enough to ask some questions before he left. Maybe, I just didn’t have the wisdom, he thought.

“I’m always happy to have you close by,” he said, “but is that what you want? If you wanted to go find Boulder’s Shadow or look for other ghost panthers, I’d understand. I’d even help if you wanted me to.”

Falling Leaf seemed to hesitate at that idea. “Maybe, maybe someday. When we’re stronger. When we’re strong enough that none will dare challenge us. Until then, I will go with you.”

“If you ever change your mind, or you want to go do something else, promise me that you’ll tell me.”

“I promise.”

Then, feeling as though the conversation had gotten as heavy as he could stand, Sen changed the subject to something he’d been very curious about. Now that they were alone, he felt like he could ask.

“The transformation to human. Was it a full transformation?”

“The Caihong,” started Falling Leaf before shaking her head, “Ma Caihong said it was. Would you like to see?”

Before Sen could really decide, Falling Leaf was standing up and taking off her robe. Sen thought he should stop her out of a vague worry that he’d be taking advantage of her somehow, but he was curious. Curiosity and concern had a brief war inside him before he took the coward’s path and hedged.

“Only if you want to show me.”

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